The life and mind of Adeline Ong

I am the wondrous wanderer,
I wander around in search of a purpose,
I wander around in search of hope and dreams,
I wander around in the barren grounds,
I wander around in the land of richness,
I wander around possibilities and hope,
Yet I wonder why I wander when I feel so tired,
When I feel like giving it all up, to end it all,
I want to wander no more yet I do not feel whole,
I wonder if that is the reason I continue to wander,
I am of course the wanderer, it is my job to wander,
For how long should I wander, no one knows,
Yet I am the wondrous wanderer,
I don’t know where my journey starts,
I don’t know where my journey ends.

There are many things I want to say,
But I cannot find the courage or a way,
One day I finally will but not just today,
Each moment passes day by day.

My mouth is dry, my heart won’t sway,
No matter, how badly I want you to stay,
I just await the time you’ll fly away,
Without you my days will turn to gray.

Perhaps then I’ll have the courage to say,
I loved you since the very first day,
I loved you in every possible way,
Stay with me, please don’t go away.

I thought it was over but apparently not,
Once provoked my temper is extremely hot,
I attack everything and everyone my eyes caught,
I spew poison in my words without a thought.

My anger consumes me like a cancer,
My anger is the evil pied piper,
To its tune, I am its dancer,
Going into hate, deeper and deeper.

Life cannot be forced upon anyone,
It is theirs and it is up to them on how they should live it,
Life has to be experience, not taught,
You cannot correct your own life by dictating others’.

She looks at me,
I want to play,
Her big eyes full of glee,
I want to play all day.

I chose to ignore her,
There are other things to do,
I push her further and further,
Into the darkness sea of blue.

Can I please play?
She asks once more,
Without a sense of dismay,
After I tried to ignore.

I moved away,
No time for play,
No time today,
Life is this way.

20 years passed,
I finally wanted to play,
On the road at dusk,
The child has gone away.

You told me you do not fear death,
Just that you fear to die alone,
Let me tell with my last breath,
No relationship is cast in stone.

Loneliness will slowly consume you,
As you wallow in endless sorrow,
Sooner or later, your time is due,
Run as you may, death will follow.

The Curse of the Gift

What would you do if your heavenly gift was actually a curse?
Something that can help others but actually hurts you?
A gift you cannot get rid off, no matter how hard you try,
A gift that brings smiles to others but really makes you cry.

When I was younger, I was taught to help the needy.
I was told that I should help the ones who needed my help.
I was told that I should put others’ needs and wants before my own.
I was told that I was blessed and in return do my duty.

But no one told me that some people need more than just material things.
No one told me that some people need more than just advice.
No one told me that some people need more than just a shoulder to cry on.
No one told me that some people need more than just a friend.

The needy becomes greedy.
The needy becomes clingy.
The needy becomes crazy.
The needy becomes a part of me.

Now here is my message to the needy who has now been too dependent of me.
All you see before you is all of me,
All that I can give you is the best of me,
This is the real me.

I can be there for you,
I can advice you,
I can help you,
I can have compassion for you.

But I need this;
Free me, take me not for granted,
Appreciate me, cause one day I might be gone,
Free yourself, cause I can’t do it for you.

I saw you the other day,
Kissing her,
You seem pleased,
I watching from afar,
I smiled and turn to walk away,
I am one with death.

Copyright Adeline Ong 2007

Today is April’s Fool Day,
Adel is on Holiday,
So she has let Fangz,
To come out and play.

Fangz is Adel, Adel is Fangz,
One person, different personality.

Today is Fangz’ day,
And she wants to play.

marah, kecewa, sedih,
semua emosi terbaur-baur dalam hati,
lelap mata tidak terlena,
itulah kejamnya cinta,
Sengsara kerana cinta,
Sengsara tanpa cinta,
tapi ada manis dan pahitnya
manisnya sudah berlalu
pahitnya semakin menjadi

Copyright Adeline Ong 2007

The heart pounds in an empty vessel,
Like the endless clanking of unoiled machines,
Working tiredlessly on a tired soul,
Soon all will end tonight,
Then perhaps peace shall flow,
Into the land of eternal darkness.

Copyright ©2007 Adeline Ong

Today we embrace another new month…
At time I wish time would just stop as I search for myself…
Yes, at 24 I am some what confused.
When will I find the answer?
I am almost a quarter century old…
Too old for some stuff and too young for others

Copyright ©2006 Adeline Ong

I was told that my poems seem very dark…

I am not sure though because I always consider them the emotion of the time. I write poetry when I am down or inspired. I cook when I am stressed out because I find cooking very relaxing. The only trouble is, I do not know who to feed. Any volunteers??

Anyways, read my following poetry and tell me if they seem dark to you. Someone told me my poetry is rather Goth. Then again, I am not sure of the concept of Goth either, though I have many friends who are.

Too many nights of being lonely (8 November 2003)

The pain of being lonely is slowly engulfing me like a plague,
Waiting for a cure that does not seem to materialize,
Though many say time is the best cure of all,
If time was a cure, why does it hurt so much?

Bitter Lesson

life gives us the bitter lesson before it rewards us,
but how are we suppose to get the rewards
if the bitterness has already numbed our senses towards the pleasures of life.

Being selfish

If you love those that you are willing to leave behind,
Killing yourself is definitely the last thing on your mind,
The pain might be unbearable no doubt but sooner or later it will past,
However, how long will it take for my pain to past?
Should I consider being selfish for once and risk hurting the ones dear to me….

Candy
They say I’m like hard candy,
Hard and pretty on the outside,
Sweet yet tough,
But I am soft and gooey on the inside,
My insecurities are the filling within the pretty shell.

Copyright ©2003-2006 Adeline Ong

BROKEN WINGS MENDED (May 1999)

Engulfed by the darkness of loneliness,
I walk upon the shadow of death,
Betrayed by the people I trust,
Jeered by my foes,
Looked down by the unknown.

I’m lost and confused,
A lost glory,
Yet another sad story,
This lil’ one won’t fly again,
Won’t fly again.

Confined in my dungeon of despair,
There is no light,
There is no hope,
The world is now a nightmare,
Every turn is a scare.

And then you came,
Into my realm of bitterness,
You gave me light,
You gave me hope,
Showed me happiness.

You took my wing,
And mended it,
You took my soul,
And healed it,
Showed me the way.

Are you God?
Or just one of His children?
I know there must be,
Some sort of relation.

I feel not worthy,
Of the glory,
You returned to me,
You returned my flight,
With pride and delight.

How can I repay you?
A thank you is never enough,
You replied, “Fly again!”
“Show us your strength!”
“Show us your glory!”

And I did,
I spread my wings,
Felt the wind in my face,
And flew into the sunshine.

The Fool (September 1999)
Once a fool always a fool,
A lost soul drowning in the pool,
Of his own anger and despair,
It seems that no one cares.

Once a fool always a fool,
Trying to act cool,
But instead turned cold,
While being tough and bold.

Once a fool always a fool,
He thinks life is cruel,
He turns down the love,
Of people that were around him,
The lights of love seem dim.

Once a fool always a fool,
Shying away happy times,
With friends that are kind,
They do not seem to mind,
How this fool was like.

Once a fool always a fool,
Not noticing everything,
That has more meaning,
To life and his well being.

Oh, wake up! You fool!
Get up from your dungeon stool,
Why be angry and mad?
Why try to make other people sad?

Do you want to be remembered,
As a slave of your anger?
Or do you want to be seen,
As a sign of danger?

Wake up and smell the flowers,
Start building new towers,
Of friendship and love,
Like the symbol of a turtledove.

It never to late to start,
And if you are smart,
See life as a happy place,
Put a smile on your face.

Always smile,
For it doesn’t cost much,
It’ll go an extra mile,
Someone’s heart you will touch.

Live life to the fullest,
Then you’ll no longer be a fool,
Appreciate everything,
You’ll never know,
When your time is up.

Copyright ©1999 - 2006 Adeline Ong

Why do we forget the simple things in life?
Why do we always need to make things so complicated?

I want to go back to the days when things were simple…

Gazing at the stars (24/4/2000)

I was bored,
In a camp,
Full of strangers,
Curfew is at ten.

I sat outside,
Thinking of nothing,
Looking into space,
Staring at the sky.

Someone came at my side,
“Look at the stars,”
She beckoned,
It’s beautiful.

For the first time,
I admired the sky,
The moon was full,
The sky was bejeweled,
By hundreds of tiny diamonds,
Decorating the sky.

That’s Orion’s belt,
Oh, there goes,
A shooting star!
I made a wish.
Copyright ©2000-2006 Adeline Ong

When there is no noise,
I’ll go crazy,
When there is too much noise,
I’ll go crazy,
When days are empty,
I’ll go crazy,
When days are hectic,
I’ll go crazy.

Adeline Ong 2006

I did not perform well as an individual, an employee, an actress, a sister, a daugther, a human today….

The ideal day is non existant today and I do not know why… Today seems to drift by without me even living it. It is so surreal, so crazy and impossible to comprehend now. I cannot express how I feel today.

That is why this will be another random entry… Straight out of my head and onto the computer screen. Yes, Chris would say that I am full of jiwangness again. In fact, I think he is the only one who reads this blog to even bother about my randomness. Hahaha…

Come to think of it, I think there are only three people I know of who even bothers to read this blog since the beginning. Chris, Halim and Tash. Well recently, I will add Jenn.

Perhaps, I am bored or just plain unsatisfied with the ratings of the activities that took place today. Nevertheless, I am can’t sleep and yes, I do feel extremely jiwang. So sue me for being human… But I like being jiwang at times because it is when I produce my purest and true work. It is raw, unadulterated and feels real.

So do enjoy the following works of mine.

Theme: Emptiness haunts those who are empty inside - Adeline Ong (2006)

Piece 1

If perfection is possible,
Then I am not its visual,
The flaws in me can’t be perfected,
With practise or persistence,
I am without possibilities,
To gain such a vision.

Piece 2

Material things are only temporary,
You can’t bring it to your grave,
It does not make you a better person,
It just brings false admiration,
By those who aren’t any wiser.

Piece 3

The artist within wants to fly and paint the skies,
The artist within wants to dance with the fishes,
The artist within wants to sing to the sun and moon,
The artist within wants to write through the endless night,
But the artist within is weary and tired of reality,
As it slowly seeps into the concious mind,
Confining the artist within to a prison where,
Creativity only lives in the dreams of the young child who cries,
For the songs, the paintings, the dances and the stories,
Birth rights of the artist within.

Copyright ©2006 Adeline Ong

Aku dah lama tidak menaip dalam bahasa Melayu…. Jadi ini percubaan pertama dalam…. Ummm… Aku tak ingat bertapa lamanya. Kalau tatabahasa tu silap, aku minta maaf.

Aku tengah jiwang la ni. Tulis yang bukan-bukan dan membuang masa. Aku tak boleh tidur la. Nak kata insomnia, tak juga.

Sekarang otakku penuh dengan kata-kata yang harus diluahkan. Nak kata pantun, ia bukan. Syair pun bukan. Entah nak panggil apa. Tapi baca saja lar… Harap-harap terhibur.

Meluahnya tidak,
Menyimpan tak juga,
Perasaan hati semakin benci,
Kerana keliru menyelami minda.

Aku tau le bunyinya bodoh tapi aku buat ni pun sekadar syok sendiri.

Copyright ©2006 Adeline Ong

When I was stage managing in KL. I got bored and flipped through Alvin’s sketch book. It contained really beautiful writings and poetry. Alvin just said that they were random ramblings. I loved them. They were so raw and true. That is where the beauty lies, in the unpolished, unique combination of words. The vomit of the brain.

Now it is late but my mind is still going. I have numerous things to say but can’t really put them to make sense. My emotions are mixed and am feeling sad, scared, happy, excited and anxious at the same time.

So do enjoy the raw poetry that my soul is about to bare. It might not make any sense but it is a part of me that I want to share. Here are three seperate pieces - Untitled- because they speak for themselves.

Know not of what the future holds,
Like the beating of a small drum as the drummer lay still on his side,
Slowly each beat grows faster until your head is full,
Yet the heart is empty,
It beats to a different tune,
A tune so unfamiliar that you wonder why it is beating at all,
Striking out at the last minute.

Flipping pages of a book of memories,
Pictures come flying with emotions not contained,
Confusion is my best friend.

I like what I hate, I hate what I like,
I like having things in my head,
I like weird things being said,
But what I hate is what I like,
Liking and hating all at the same time.

Copyright ©2006 Adeline Ong