Due to what I do in my free time, I have the privilege to hang out with some of the most gorgeous looking and talented people you would have ever met. They have careers and affluent lifestyles that make people envious of them. They live realities that many consider dreams which would never be realized in this or many lifetimes to come. And yet despite all that I realize that many still have insecurities that outsiders assume are non existent.

I am the most insecure person I know. I am not sure why. Sparky says it is because I think too much. Perhaps it is.

But as I get to know the people around me, I find we are not so different after all. Yes, we live different lifestyles, hang out with different people, come from different backgrounds and thread different paths. Yet deep down inside, we have something in common, insecurities. I am not sure why but I notice these in many of my Asian friends. I am not saying this to be racist or anything. It is just a fact that is common across this group.

I start to question whether it is our upbringing that makes us feel that we are not good enough. Or is it the fact that in our culture, being proud of our achievements can be seen from a negative point of view. WHAT A BIG SHOW OFF!!!

Thus I notice this other thing; Asians can’t seem to take compliments very well. I know I am one. Despite my friends telling me great things about myself, I still have tons of doubt and lack the confidence. I remembered when I was younger, my relatives find me a tad bit odd because I accepted compliments with, “Thank yous” and moved on with my life. Now, I second guess. Weird, right?

Recently, I gave a compliment to an acting buddy of mine and was met with tons of negativity. It frustrated me. Here is this gorgeous young actress beginning to step out into the world, but she managed to find hairline cracks that are non existent. However, this experience was an eye opening experience for me. It was the mirror of what I have been doing. I finally felt what my friends have been feeling every time I try to dodge a compliment.

So from today forth, I will acknowledge and take responsibility of the things I say; take compliments as they are given to me whole heartedly and thank my friends who saw something in me that I have not realized and who expect more of me than I can ever fathom for myself.

I find it very interesting that people that I have met recently are very interested in knowing another person’s sexual orientation. I guess this is a great fascination in the entertainment line since most people I know happen to be homosexuals. Personally, I believe that artistically inclined folk are more accepting of the diversity in our sexual orientations. Come to think of it, we humans are very sexual creatures. I mean other than the dolphins and chimps; we are the only other beings on earth that have sex for fun. Don’t ask me how I know that, I just do.

So this is a list of sexual orientation that I have compiled.
Which one are you? You do not have to answer this. This is for your reading pleasure and self discovery (in case you are still closeted)

Asexual –

1. An asexual person does not feel physical/sexual attraction at all
2. An asexual person has no desire to have sex

(So far I have come to know 2 people who are like this)

Heterosexual -
1. Sexually oriented to persons of the opposite sex.
2. Of or relating to different sexes.

Homosexual -
1. Sexually oriented to persons of the same sex

Bisexual –
1. Sexually responsive to both sexes, ambisexual

Trisexual –
1. Officially termed as pertaining to having sex with males, females, and one’s self
2. Unofficially and created by my college mates, Trisexuality means guy, girl and animal.

TRY-Sexual

Sparky termed me as this, a try-sexual. A person who is willing to try anything once. Muahaha… But wait, I am the only try-sexual I know.

Lately I have been listening to Nickelback’s If Today Was Your Last Day and it became a realization for me. The lyrics…

Nickelback Lyrics
If Today Was Your Last Day Lyrics

These 3 chunks:-

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride�

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own lifeâ€?

And

“So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side�

Are really getting to me.

Yes, if you have been following my crazy saga over the years, you will have probably guessed the core of this particular entry. It is correct; I am crushing on a guy.

A lot of my friends like this guy and think I should give it a try but I have been coming up with a lot of reasons (Excuses, depending on which angle you are reading this)

1. I believe, “He is not that into me�. (If you are a SATC fan, you would understand this phrase)
2. I do not want to make the first move.
3. I think he likes someone else.
4. I am afraid of rejection. (And yes, you lot will come back to me and say, “Isn’t everybody?�)

What’s a girl to do now?

Yes, I really like this guy.

A major scare last week made me realize how fragile our lives are.

Grandmama had a minor stroke which affected her speech. She is better now. Sadly, there is the lack of luster that she usually carries in her smile. But seeing that she went from hospital bed to the family living room back in Johor in just 2 days; is a good sign that she is recovering fairly fast.

Personally, I was prepared for the worst. I know it sounds very pessimistic of me but I am honest with my feelings. I bet that the same feeling was lingering in the hearts and minds of many of my family members though I bet none would admit it. After all, it is the festive season and no one wants bad news.

So this year, the cousins and I kicked it up a notch. We celebrated like crazy and played like there is no tomorrow. For me, I hardly play blackjack but guess what I won RM38. Teehee!!!

The most important thing is my family is together for the first time in a few years now.

Tomorrow, we are heading back to Penang for a few days to visit family.

So many people but too little time.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

I am a fan of Daniel Powter’s Bad Day… But move over Bad day… Here comes a BAD WEEK… A real bad week for yours truly…
How bad is this week? Very bad…
And in order to make me feel better, I am going to bitch about this.

I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me doubt myself as a person,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me question my skills and talents,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me have reservations about my faith,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me feel like calling it quits,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to revive the monster that I once buried,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to tear down the walls I once built,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to bring back dead memories,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to flood my life with idiots and fools,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to wreck relationships that took years to build,
I can’t believe that one bad week has manage to make me not want to wake up in the morning,
But I guess, it actually does take one bad week to show that I am actually ALIVE.

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